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So, I found out something about myself... I had a realization that the world isn't that bad of a place. Sure, world hunger is still there, Ethiopia is still under famine, BP still isn't doing anything about their mishap, little girls are still being sold on the black market in Thailand and the global economy is still shitty. I'm here though. I have a beautiful daughter, food in my fridge, my bills aren't late, I live close enough to my work that I only have to fill up once a week and my car's paid off. I found out that all I have to do is hold my hand out and I have someone who's there for me. Be it some anonymous person or some long lost family. I'm not alone here (not on the dA, but HERE). It took me a really long time to understand that I don't have to do it on my own to feel that I did something in life. I don't need to be a member of some online community to reach out or express myself (albeit helpful). Getting back down to my roots is important though. I notice that sitting back and watching life isn't as interesting as being in it. So, what will I do? Join a band and go on tour? steal a car and go to jail, marry a beautiful woman and multiply? I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I do know that whatever it is, it will be the right thing at the right time and I have people who love me and are behind me with honesty, integrity and peaceful hearts.
Thinking outward
I had an epiphany tonight. I wasn't meditating, searching for potato chips that look like Jesus or even suicidal... I was actually staring blankly into my computer screen. I had this strange realization about where my life is going. I'm in my 30's, single father, humdrum job and I have this huge... lack of motivation. I need to get a girlfriend, I need to relax more; not like getting high more often, but actually resting my mind and listening to myself BREATH. We spend more time holding out breath each day than concentrating on doing the opposite. My mind has been cluttered with finances, job stability, keeping up with the Jones'. Fuck them a
Back to normalcy...
When you bring a child into the world, everything can either become clear or your life can turn into chaos. You hear of people meeting at the beach, in a club, the laundry mat or the grocery store, which is why I should have known it was a sign when I met her at a funeral. We hadn't known each other for 3 weeks before we found that I would soon be a proud father and somehow, I was happy. All I wanted was to have legacy. A child who would be happy to see me when I return from work. Someone who would depend on me and who could be consoled with my words. So, when momma was pregnant, there was the normal mood swings, tantrums and cravings that I
Devious Journal Entry
So, the therapists say that it's a good idea to journal... Just write what you feel they say. It doesn't matter what you write. It doesn't need to be nonsensical, we've already established that you're crazy, just write down what you feel.
I ran out of paper today and I've got to put something down. I went to the park this week with my girl. While she was on the swings, screaming at the other short people and talking to strangers, I was off on a tangent. I was in the creek bed taking pictures of this crazy plant. I was amazed that this being that I call God could make a simple weed so complex in structure. Every nook and cranny, every crevass
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